I have traveled life's road for a long time. And on this journey, I have experienced triumphs and failure, made wonderful discoveries that brought me joy and an unsurpassed wonder at how beautiful life can be. I have stared anguish and sorrow in the face, savored the sweet taste of young love’s passion, was knocked down by disillusionment, lost some of my loved ones, and realized that through it all, my character was being molded like clay in a potter’s hand.
I felt proud of myself. Despite the many times I have been knocked down, I was able to stand up again and face the challenges that life chose to throw at me. And I built my strength, don protective layers of covering by learning not to look back at my failures and then to rebuild from the ruins of the past. I didn’t examine my pain too closely, but immersed myself into other people’s grievances, helping them, giving them mercy and compassion. I learned to laugh, even when I hurt. Tears are for the weak, and regret will only hold me back.
I traveled on. Joy and tears marked the way. And through it all, I remained steadfast. I stood defiant, and challenged life to do its worst. I wouldn’t be a prisoner of the injustices that life has dealt me. I will remain unwavering, refusing to give an inch, emerging victorious and indomitable. I knew I was on the right track.
Until today. Until I talked to a man I have known for two days. He questioned my faith, called my bluff, pointed out things I haven’t bothered to look at. He made me face up myself, examine the chinks in my armor, and made me realize that during my journey, I have picked up baggage I had no business carrying. He wanted me to lay them down, go unhampered, but the baggage has become a part of me. I couldn’t give them up. Not just yet. They have become so much a part of me that giving them up will tear off a great part of the person I have become. But I realize now that the strength and courage I have thought I acquired through my trials were just a cover up for what I have let myself become over the years. A coward and a liar. I have fought for freedom, never realizing that I have locked myself in a prison of my own making. I have challenged life to do its worst, and all the while, I was keeping myself behind a façade of impassivity, afraid to feel, having made joy and pain strangers that don’t merit a second glance.
Now, I’m looking at myself differently. I have lost the vision of a victorious warrior, and in place, I see a walking wounded. Now I understand more fully why the Lord has invited me to lay down my burdens, rest in Him, and take His yoke. He has seen me as I am. He has seen my wounds. He has seen my pain. And He loves me just the way I am. Maybe He has shaken His head as I stubbornly resisted letting Him rid me of the heavy burdens I have carried for so long. But in His mercy and unwavering faithfulness, He has sent a brother to remind me that He will always be there for me.
I have many things to unlearn, and many new things to learn. It will not be an easy process, but with God’s grace, everything is possible. In time, I will be a different person. Maybe not as strong, or as self-reliant, but perhaps stronger spiritually, and more dependent upon God.
