The past weeks have been totally chaotic and they have left me with a lot of unresolved feelings. Steve has been reticent about his injuries and I’m not really sure what I am facing and how to cope. I know he is doing this in an effort to stop me from worrying. He thinks I worry unnecessarily. But I’d rather know everything than worry about something I cannot understand. I am not even sure when he will be able to come back.
Life is truly unpredictable. One day you are feeling on top of the world, the next, you are in the pits of hell. I don’t want to pressure Steve in his current condition, but sometimes, I wish there is something I could hold on to. I have been alone for the past year, not something I have envisioned at all when we became a couple. It wasn’t Steve’s fault or mine but just pure bad luck that prevented him from coming home for the Christmas holiday last year. I was supposed to meet him at the airport today but the accident happened. I was looking forward to putting up our Christmas tree, but instead he is still in a hospital in Sudbury with multiple fractures and the flu on top of it. So it’s another Christmas day without him. And I’m still nowhere near to figuring out when he will be well enough to come home.
I am not being unreasonable, just a bit rebellious about how life has been treating me for over twenty years. I have been through a lot of crap and I thought when I met Steve, good fortune has finally smiled at me. So what am I doing crying myself to sleep at night again? And not finding any joy in what is going on around me? Sometimes, I feel like a bit of flotsam being tossed by the waves, just getting carried along in any direction. Darn, I need to put down roots. I need an anchor. I hate being in a limbo, no definite plans, everything on hold.
I sometimes think I would have been better off not to have fallen in love, not to care at all. Then none of what is happening to me would hurt so much. But not having Steve in my life at all is even worse. So what do I do now?
