Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think what a fraud I am. I stand there, looking cool and collected, master of my fate, scared of nothing. A woman in control, that's what it tells me, that lying mirror!
I know it's lying because when I look inside my mind, I see an entirely different image of myself. I see a woman walking around with raw nerves exposed. One tiny word, one innocent action and the nerves cringe in extreme pain.
And so I start to imagine myself donning a thicker skin. Maybe something like an armadillo. A thick bony shell that will protect the nerves and keep them from hurting. I see myself walking in that armor, oblivious to everything and anything. Undisturbed, protected.
(Sigh.). Some things are not that easy in real life. I have never learned to protect myself. I always leave myself open to things that could hurt like crazy. It is said that you get the worst heartache from the people you love the most. I think so too. It's the worst kind of pain. It's something that could knock your world sideways.
The only solution? Don't love anyone. (Sigh.). Some things are just meant to happen. Love is one of them. Love for family, love for your partner, love for your neighbors... And you can't keep love to yourself. You can't really say you have love until you give it away. And it's bound to hurt you at one time or another. And love doesn't even ask if you want it or not. It just happens without a by your leave. The mysteries of life, huh?
Anyone finds a cure for it, let me know.
