Dear God, I feel so empty, so tired. Sometimes, I ask myself if you are really there watching over us. The recent calamity brought by Typhoon Ondoy has made me ask questions I wouldn't have otherwise asked. Why do we try so much to do good when all it brings is heartache and the seeming inevitable end that is full of pain and destruction? Give me a sign and show me that you are still in control, and everything that is happening does really have a purpose.
Ondoy and Pepeng have driven home the fact that life is something that could be snuffed out in the blink of an eye. If many personalities have realized in this destructive event the need to give of themselves and come to the aid of the less fortunate, it has brought such a dreadful sadness and a shattering feeling of inadequacy to my soul. A black, massive hole of nothingness stares me in the face, and it keeps me awake at night with the appalled realization that I have nothing left to give except bitter tears of helplessness.
In all the years that I have believed in you, that I lived my life for you, I have never doubted you. I tried so much to walk your path. But I’m only a flawed vessel, like a jar with too many cracks. No matter how much I tried to fill myself with your goodness and mercy, they sipped through the cracks, leaving me still half empty. Maybe it’s my fault. I have strived too hard for perfection and maybe my failure to achieve it has blindsided me to the real reason why I am here. I no longer know what you want. Confusion has settled in.
You know I have had calamities on a personal level, one after the other. I know that trials and tribulations are part of this life. But now I ask if I wouldn’t have emptied myself if I learned how to take and not just give. If I learned how to say NO more often, if I had learned to love myself more and not gave away all the love I had in my heart. Maybe I should have been more realistic and shouldn’t have allowed disappointments to throw me off balance. So many maybes, so many questions. But the one question that won’t stop nagging me is WHY?
Why do I feel this emptiness, this sorrow? Are you trying to tell me something? Why am I still here? Why have you allowed certain things to happen? Why can’t you be more specific about what you want from me?
I’m being impertinent trying to ask you such questions. I know exactly why these things happen. We create our own problems, and we get uptight when the solution eludes us. It’s just so hard to accept that we are killing our own world. It’s just so sad………
