The Man is Back!

The Man is back.

For the first time after the accident, Steve and I were able to talk on the phone and chat on YM without tiptoeing. I wasn’t tiptoeing about his condition, afraid to upset him more than necessary. I slipped up now and then, those 4 weeks, but now, I don’t have to think about what to say or worry about him. And as for Steve, he is more open about how he feels, if he is in pain or if he is bored. He is no longer trying so hard to protect me and to stop me from worrying. This is really great. We both know it’s only a matter of time before he is well enough to travel. And that knowledge has released us both from the tension of the last few weeks.

Steve’s laugh has a different ring to it now - it sounds happy, optimistic and full of life. It’s one of the many things that I like most about him, his laughter. I can be down in the dumps, absolutely miserable, but when Steve starts clowning around and laughing, he carries me along and anything that has upset me is soon forgotten.

We are also back to talking endlessly about almost every topic under the sun., like about us and our plans, family, politics, personal convictions, - oh, anything that catches our interest. Yup, I’m definitely happier and more hopeful that it won’t be long before Steve is home, his real home which is with me.

The days seem long, but brighter. Normal and yet special. Welcome back, hon.

He’s Home!

Steve is back in Toronto. In spite of his condition, he was able to make it back to Toronto from Sudbury by bus. BY BUS! The man has an iron will and once he made up his mind to go home, nothing could stop him. He said he was a bit tired after hours on the bus, but otherwise, he feels fine, and is happy about having proper meals and his own bed to sleep in. A few months of therapy and he will be ready to come home. For keeps. I’m not letting him out of my sight once he sets foot in the Philippines. I had a rough month behind me and I don’t intend to go through worrying like a demented woman ever again. I’m a lot happier now knowing that my husband is home and just healing and waiting until he is strong enough to hop on a plane for home. Thank you for the prayers from so many people. From Friends, Family, and my pastor. In a time of crisis like this, it’s really good to have praying friends rallying to bring the voices of supplication to God’s heavenly throne. Thank you so much.

UPDATE ON STEVE

Steve will probably be discharged from the hospital by the weekend. That's good news. He still hasn't revealed the true extent of his injuries. He keeps joking and teasing whenever he calls me or when we text each other. He has 3 casts in 3 different places and will be undergoing therapy for a few months, possibly until March. So without saying a word, I know that he was seriously injured. I appreciate the effort he makes to keep me from worrying. That's Steve, always shielding me from the nasty bumps in this world.

He is bored to death after 3 weeks in the hospital, so I am really happy about the possibility of him being sent home on Saturday.

Jaybee and I are devastated that he won't be home with us on Christmas day. He wants us to put up the Christmas tree and hang the wreath on our front door. We are going to do that. But it won't be the same. Jaybee and Steve have a very special affinity with each other. Having grown up without a father, and suddenly finding one in Steve who can understand her and give her the loving concern a father has for his daughter,she expects him to be home for special occasions like this. We are both heartbroken, and although we have ceased locking ourselves in the bedroom to have a crying spree, all three of us have not yet fully recovered from Steve's accident. Steve has to suffer physically as well as emotionally because we were both counting so much on being together this Christmas season. He would have been home last Saturday.

Next Christmas will be different. God willing, Steve won't be back in Canada for a while. And he will surely be home next Christmas day...

What Now?

The past weeks have been totally chaotic and they have left me with a lot of unresolved feelings. Steve has been reticent about his injuries and I’m not really sure what I am facing and how to cope. I know he is doing this in an effort to stop me from worrying. He thinks I worry unnecessarily. But I’d rather know everything than worry about something I cannot understand. I am not even sure when he will be able to come back.

Life is truly unpredictable. One day you are feeling on top of the world, the next, you are in the pits of hell. I don’t want to pressure Steve in his current condition, but sometimes, I wish there is something I could hold on to. I have been alone for the past year, not something I have envisioned at all when we became a couple. It wasn’t Steve’s fault or mine but just pure bad luck that prevented him from coming home for the Christmas holiday last year. I was supposed to meet him at the airport today but the accident happened. I was looking forward to putting up our Christmas tree, but instead he is still in a hospital in Sudbury with multiple fractures and the flu on top of it. So it’s another Christmas day without him. And I’m still nowhere near to figuring out when he will be well enough to come home.

I am not being unreasonable, just a bit rebellious about how life has been treating me for over twenty years. I have been through a lot of crap and I thought when I met Steve, good fortune has finally smiled at me. So what am I doing crying myself to sleep at night again? And not finding any joy in what is going on around me? Sometimes, I feel like a bit of flotsam being tossed by the waves, just getting carried along in any direction. Darn, I need to put down roots. I need an anchor. I hate being in a limbo, no definite plans, everything on hold.

I sometimes think I would have been better off not to have fallen in love, not to care at all. Then none of what is happening to me would hurt so much. But not having Steve in my life at all is even worse. So what do I do now?

PREMONITION: IT HAS HAPPENED

The thing I was so afraid of has happened.Now I realize who, how and what it is. Steve had a car accident in Sudbury while coming home from visiting his brother from the hospital who just had a surgery. A drunk driver beat the red light and smashed into Steve's car, sending it spinning and leaving him with a dislocated shoulder and multiple fractures. He was already supposed to be going back to Toronto the following morning and has said he will call me before he leaves Sudbury. I am glad he survived with just those injuries and I thank God for that. Steve is now in the same hospital as his brother, no one to look after him as Randy and Carolyn are both in Toronto, around 4 1/2 hours to where Steve is. His sister in law has her husband to look after, but she is taking the time to look in on Steve and check on him. She also keeps Randy informed of his dad's progress and Randy in turn, relays it to me. Just a week from now, Steve is supposed to be back here for a really long vacation. We were wanting a church wedding on our second year anniversary, but I guess all plans are on hold for now as I don't even know if he will be well enough to hop on a plane and sit for long hours with his injuries. So this is what the premonition is all about. I'm just glad I may be just losing some of the things we have planned to do,but not him because I can't face losing the man who has become my world in the past two years. Get better soon, love. I miss you.

PREMONITION

Something never felt quite right the last few months. It has been teasing my mind, a seed of doubt, of fear that has pestered into something totally painful and unmanageable. The weird thing is I can't quite put a finger on the whys and who's. There is no concrete reason why I should feel threatened, and yet somehow, a feeling that the ax is about to fall is constantly there in the darkest corner of my mind. A feeling that I am about to lose something very important to me has started plaguing my waking moments, making my heart ache, causing unwanted tears to fall.

I have been real happy the last 21 months that I have forgotten life can be so capricious. I have left my defense down, let the barriers to fall into decay. Where once I have hugged caution like my dearest friend, I have exiled it and forbidden it from encroaching into my present domain which I consider to finally be completely happy and peaceful. Nothing and no one is allowed to breach the quiet perfection of my world. It's impregnable, or so I thought.

And now this. The usual confidence is gone. The quiet hiatus from the cruelty of life has seemingly come to an end. I can feel a strong force hammering against the walls of the dreamworld I have built around me. I don't recognize what it is, but I can feel its fearful presence. It has forcibly drummed into my consciousness the fact that life in this world is a constant struggle. I have always known that it is so, but the peace and quiet has lulled me into thinking that everything has fallen into place.

And so I steel myself for what is about to come. I have chosen peace and quiet, love and contentment. But life does not give you a lot of options. It throws at you what it will. The only choice you can make is to let it swamp you into submission, or fight to the end and make the best of what you can.

I am not anticipating trouble. But the years of trying to survive in the battlefield that is called Life honed my skills and intuitions to perfection. My senses tell me a "battle" is waiting to happen. I can't pinpoint when or where or what form it's going to take. But a feeling like a cold finger running down my back, something dark and cold tells me that Premonition has come visiting again. And it has left a definite message. Gear up and keep alert.

DREAMS

Like a handful of stardust,
shining , sparkling.
It tempts, it teases.

I grasped it,
tried to keep it,
Saw the glow slipping through.

Dreams,
Ethereal, elusive
Here today and gone tomorrow.

FLU!

I had the flu. It was a bad case and I thought I was dying. I had a fever that won't break for the longest time, I couldn't breathe unless the AC was on, and when the fever eases for a bit, I started getting chilled. After a while, the fever rages again.

One week. It took all of one week before it finally decided to leave and take on another victim. My daughter. So, I was left debilitated by that darn bug and I had to take care of my girl right away. Good thing she has a better resistance to it and got better in three days.

Me? I was dehydrated and my blood pressure plummeted to an all time low making me queasy and dizzy and almost passing out every time I moved. My doctor said to take plenty of fluids, preferably water, get some more rest and forget about washing dishes and laundry or scrubbing the bathroom. And no tiring myself out with my graphics project. Dang!

I feel much better now. But my budget is shot to pieces because of the unexpected medical expenses. I told my daughter that we have to be careful not to get sick again because we can't afford it.:)

Being sick is the pits. It keeps me away from all the stuff I love to do and eats up all my resources, too. I hope the big, bad flu leaves me and my daughter alone for the rest of the year.:)

WAPAKELS!

The new street slang going the rounds of the teen crowd. Wapakels! I don't care! Not that I don't really care, I'm just taking a break from caring too much. Recovering from being burned out. How????

Graphics. A new interest for me. 3D makes me really self-centered, like I can spend hours on the PC working on my models, rendering and not caring if I eat or not. I shut out everything... sounds, smell, hunger pangs...they mean nothing to me when I'm doing my stuff. I turn on the AC, hah! El Nino is nothing when the AC is on, and work away on modelling and texturing.:)) WAPAKELS!!!!