Faster PC

Got a new, faster PC and I love it. Just great for my graphics, 2.21 GHZ, 2 gigs of ram, 250 gigs HD, It has a better video card than my last one, too. It supports multi-texturing, pixel buffer, shadow map and aliasing. Rendering is a breeze. At least I think so. It used to take me half an hour to render from my last PC, but it only takes a few minutes now to render something really complicated. I'm very pleased. I have been doing graphics all day. Actually it was a way to keep myself out of my bed because I feel sick. A bad cold and aching bones from all the cleaning and scrubbing after the storm. I didn't want to go to bed because I know that once I get to lie down, I will feel even more sick. So I entertained myself with my graphics, but now I've got a headache to top the cold and aching bones. Bah. Flu won't get me this time. I just took a cold tablet and vitamin C, and ate a big apple for lunch.

Mitch, eat your heart out. My Adobe CS3 loads really fast. My Daz Studio too, even if it has too many runtimes. I don't know about POSER yet, I still have to install it. But I'm quite content with taking it easy for now with Daz.But, darn, I really do need my bed, I think.My head is throbbing and my throat hurts.

Awww... I need my bed. I don't feel too good.

EMERGENCY!!!

We were stuck in the traffic for two hours. It was hot, noisy and the pollution must have hit 10 in a scale of ten. When we got to Waltermart, it was already dark and we zoomed through our shopping and I forgot to buy some really important stuff. JB was so tired and thirsty she walked into one of the fast food shops near the exit to buy a cold drink. That night, we went to bed at almost 12 midnight. I must have only been asleep for 5 minutes when Ma was shaking me awake and telling me with a trembling voice that she found JB on the kitchen floor. I hurried out of my bedroom and saw my girl crumpled in a heap on the floor bawling like a baby. She was throwing up like crazy and she could barely move, her hair sticky from sweat and her small face damp with tears of pain and fear. I thought she was having one of her allergic reactions to some food, like she had an Ice Cream Float, and I thought that might have been the culprit. I gave her Plasil to stop her from throwing up. That seemed to do the trick, or so I thought. She slept for a bit, until 3am, and then woke up retching . I didn't have a car, and I couldn't drive anyway even if I did, so I called my sister to come and help me. We rented a car and JB was brought to the hospital. She was on IV the minute she got admitted. She was almost dehydrated, her lips cracking. She had to go through so many laboratory tests and the doctor said she had a blood infection, caused by some kind of bacteria. More tests were done and her tummy was found to be inflamed. Food poisoning. She was immediately put on antibiotics, her tummy flushed clean of any remaining poisoned food, and finally, we were rest assured by the doctor that she will get better. Right now, she is still taking antibiotics. She is on soft diet and needing a lot of attention. She will be missing school this week, recovering and regaining her strength, but we truly thank God that we have thought to immediately take her to the hospital or everything could have been worse. Food poisoning causes death because more often than not, people don't bring victims to the hospital right away. They try home remedies because of so many reasons. I'm glad JB is getting a lot better, still weak but on the road to recovery.

SLEEPLESS! AGAIN???

2:08 am. I have been tossing and turning for hours in bed, but sleep is elusive. I couldn’t stand it anymore, so I finally got up and stood in front of the open window. For a change, a cool breeze is blowing from the field, caressing my hot face and soothing my spirit. It was dark and peaceful outside. I can see dim lights from my neighbors’ windows spilling into the street. I wonder if everyone is sleeping or if there is someone like me somewhere out there, trying to slip into the blessed oblivion of temporary relief from the hustle of just surviving everyday life. Will they succeed, or just wait for morning to break? Like me.

I have slept okay for weeks now. I’m surprised that the sandman missed me tonight when it’s a lot cooler than the miserable 39 degrees Celsius of blanketing heat that we have endured since the dry spell hit us. I should be comfortable and at peace since I don’t have to fret even in my sleep that the AC will cost me thousands of pesos in electric bill.

Maybe I’m just tired. Jaybee and I did the wash today. The washing machine broke down and hand-washing the dirty pile of clothes is inevitable. Unless I want to wait until they become a nightmare that will haunt me as I watch them become unmanageable. The big laundry basket is now empty, so that’s a load off my mind. I cleaned the carport, used a brush with a long handle to scrub the concrete floor after the wash was done. Like the klutz I am, I slipped and twisted my knee. I could feel something snapping like garter inside when I walk and a shooting pain from the middle of my leg up to my hip makes it almost impossible to walk. So I got that handy, battery foot massager that Thess bought for me and run it over my leg and around my knee. Something must be out of place, a strained muscle maybe because when I run the massager to just below my knee, a pain like an electric shock shoots up. I then kicked out several times and the last try, I felt multiple snaps, heard them too, and the pain was finally gone. The pins and needles on my foot were gone and my leg felt hot for a while. But I can walk without pain, so am I good or am I good?

Daylight is still far away. But I felt like I need a cup of coffee. So I put the kettle on to boil some water and stared out of the big kitchen window. The street is dark, but there’s a post spilling a yellow circle of light to a limited area. The big, 3- storey house across from the vacant lot slumbers quietly like a gothic creature, a round window illuminated by a red light from inside making it look like a malevolent eye, watching and planning to snare an innocent passerby. Maybe a blood-sucker resides there, maybe a mad scientist trying to bring back his dead wife back to life, maybe------ shoots, the whistling kettle made me jump a foot high. That was bad, making up horror stories when it’s so dark and quiet.

So what went wrong tonight? Why haven’t I fallen asleep at 11:00 pm as I usually do? Sigh, why do I have to find an explanation for something like not being able to sleep? I’m happy, I’m content, Steve will be home soon and my favorite boy just gave me an invitation to celebrate our birthdays together on Sunday. Oh, maybe that’s it. Old age creeping in on me and leaving me sleepless. I’m adding another year to my age, but am I worried? Not me. Age is a state of mind, and I don’t have a mind. Ha-ha! Okay, that’s a joke in case you haven’t figured it out.

Somehow, another year of my life is gone, but I don’t see it like that. I see it as a period of fulfillment, a year when beautiful memories were built so that I can add them to my treasure chest that is already overflowing. God is good. Life is good. Things couldn’t get any better than this, but I have a feeling they will.

Me? An Environmentalist?

Who me? An environmentalist??? Mental maybe. I'm not going to claim that title. Let us just say I am one of those individual stewards here on a temporary basis. Doing a caretaker's job in my own, personal way. Nothing big or memorable, just humbly doing my best not to worsen the situation.

Gaia. I first encountered that word in one of my RPG games. Yes, kids. I still play video games at my ripe p;d age of... never mind.:) Laugh all you want, but I enjoy those games especially the Final Fantasy Series, so there. Gaia , by the way, is the name of the Greek Goddess of the Earth. And the Gaia philosophy speaks about how the nature of living things affect the environment to make it more beneficial to life. It's about the survival of species and how they are necessary for the survival of other species, or that everything in this world, both living and non-living is an interacting system that could be considered as one single organism.

I haven't research the philosophy all that much. I think a Doctor Lovelock did an extensive study about this. But based upon what I remember when I first looked up the word when I watched Final Fantasy The Movie, it's all about interrelation between everything on earth.

Seeing how people are becoming more concerned about the ecosystem, I suddenly remembered that movie. Their planet was dying, and to restore the balance, the lead characters set off to find answers and were called upon to make sacrifices. Our planet is slowly dying, too. Okay, I said slowly, but I'm not encouraging anyone to take it easy. It has given so much to us for thousands of years. Maybe it's calling us to give something back in return. Like respect and concern for our environment.

I'm not so sure about the truth in everything that is called the Gaia Hypothesis, but I do believe that God created the world with a balanced system. A balance that makes it possible for the human race to survive. Hmmm...I remember my daughter asking me all sorts of things when she was growing up. The endless Mommy, why are there... you know, when you have to explain why things exist in the world. Like why are there cats? - well they are there to make sure the rats don't overrun us. The rats will feed on humans if the cats don't kill them. And why are there frogs- so they will eat the flys and mosquitos which gives us malaria and dengue fever. Think about them buzzing everywhere, they would be so thick in the air you won't see where you're going. Aww, as I slipped on a wet spot on the floor. Didn't see that. And there weren't even flies or mosquitoes around. You may laugh at my answers, but try finding answers to endless questions from a two year old when you are doing the wash, making lunch and trying to stop the kid from grabbing everything with her tiny hands while her mouth rattles off a string of why, what and where. All at the same time. Hey, not the words, but my chores, her questions and her lightning speed grabbing. But what I was trying to show her was that everything that God put in this world is here for a purpose. Except the cockroaches. Darn, I can't understand why they are in this world at all. They are so yucky and scary. And think about them being the only ones able to survive a nuclear holocaust. Rather inexplicable.

Okay, back to the serious matter. What I'm trying to say here is that we have disturbed the balance that God has set up so carefully. We are depleting the resources, not only resources that are necessary for our existence, but for the existence of other living things necessary for our survival. We have poisoned our world in the name of progress and materialism. Maybe we should take stock of what is happening now, and how the future will be if we don't take heed.

For goodness sake, let's leave a better world to our children.

THE WORLD OF MY IMAGINATION

Why is the title of my blog “Midnight Meanderings”? That’s because I usually write my best blog entries and come up with my best ideas around that time. And so I thought the title was really apt.

I have always had trouble sleeping and I remember countless nights that I spent writing, cleaning up the house or watching cable TV when everyone else sleeps. Steve thinks that my sleeping habit is kind of weird. I don’t take afternoon naps and when I finally fall asleep, usually after midnight, I’ll be up again around 4 or 5 am.

I have been trying to force myself to sleep normally. I mean normal as in 8 hours like most people. It’s an uphill battle. Like my brain has a will of its own- it won’t send “ZZZZZZZZZ” signals to my body at the right time and when I finally sleep, it electrifies me into waking up much too early.

I remember I was the same as a child. We three girls shared a room, and both Thess and Cita will be dead to the world while I kept awake and gave my imagination free rein in creating colorful and magical stories. We lived in the heart of Pasig, in a commercial area. We occupied a unit in a commercial building, my father’s business was on the ground floor and the living area was on the second floor. It was a busy community. Cars and buses ply the route till the wee hours of the morning. The headlights will reflect on the ceiling of our darkened bedroom and I would watch the play of shadows in all shapes and sizes. And then, my mind starts to weave stories of princesses dancing in a big ballroom, their gowns billowing as they twirled and turned. And when the goblins came and chased the princesses, their shrieks of terror filled the room while the goblins chortled with glee and mischief. My sleepy eyes would then start to close and goes on to dreamland where the story resumes.

I remember that to the left of our unit was a Chinese restaurant and to the right was a medical clinic. I would hear Papa’s employees talking about the Chinese restaurant making siopao out of cats and mice. I would listen to them with rounded eyes while my heart was silently breaking for the poor cats. Never mind the mice, I hate them. And so they continued to say that the doctor thought it would be good business to put a clinic next door to catch all the patients coming out of the restaurant. They would guffaw and slap each other on the back while they talk about those things.

So the next night, I will make up stories on the ceiling about the mad Chinese chef trapping the cats and throwing them in a boiling cauldron. He will then cook a beautiful dish for the unsuspecting restaurant patrons and they will grow whiskers and will run off screaming from the restaurant with their hands on their aching tummies. I see the doctor with an avid glint in his eyes, ushering them in his clinic to cut off their whiskers and to sell them potions for the tummy ache.

I thought my story was an account of the truth, until I stopped a customer coming out of the restaurant to ask if he needed a doctor. Tinoy, one of the employees grabbed me and apologized to the man, and then proceeded to lecture me about not listening to the other men telling tall tales. Darn, how was I to know, with my 7 year old mind that grown up men can also make up stories?

To this day, I would lay awake at night, staring at the ceiling and thinking about all sorts of stuff- serious stuff like building a good future for my family, dreaming about a better life for everyone. The difference is I also listen with one ear if someone is trying to break in through the front door. These are hard times and anything is possible.

I could only surmise that my sleeping pattern is as normal as it can be for me. I survived my childhood so I will probably survive now. The culprit is most likely, my overactive imagination. Last time I heard, there is still no cure for it.

I'M A FRAUD!

Sometimes, I look at myself in the mirror and think what a fraud I am. I stand there, looking cool and collected, master of my fate, scared of nothing. A woman in control, that's what it tells me, that lying mirror!

I know it's lying because when I look inside my mind, I see an entirely different image of myself. I see a woman walking around with raw nerves exposed. One tiny word, one innocent action and the nerves cringe in extreme pain.

And so I start to imagine myself donning a thicker skin. Maybe something like an armadillo. A thick bony shell that will protect the nerves and keep them from hurting. I see myself walking in that armor, oblivious to everything and anything. Undisturbed, protected.

(Sigh.). Some things are not that easy in real life. I have never learned to protect myself. I always leave myself open to things that could hurt like crazy. It is said that you get the worst heartache from the people you love the most. I think so too. It's the worst kind of pain. It's something that could knock your world sideways.

The only solution? Don't love anyone. (Sigh.). Some things are just meant to happen. Love is one of them. Love for family, love for your partner, love for your neighbors... And you can't keep love to yourself. You can't really say you have love until you give it away. And it's bound to hurt you at one time or another. And love doesn't even ask if you want it or not. It just happens without a by your leave. The mysteries of life, huh?

Anyone finds a cure for it, let me know.

The Keys, The Kids

Mitch and I were chatting this afternoon on YM. It was hot and everything was moving in slow motion. I was glad when Mitch texted me to say she’s online and we can chat like we always do when she gets the chance to get connected.

I was showing off my new Multiply banner to her. The first thing she said was---

“Darl! THE KEYS”, that sounds like a movie title.”

“Hey,” I replied, “you think you can make a home movie about my love story?”

And we went on to think up other titles for the “imaginary movie”. Like The Kissing Keys which seemed totally hilarious. We were giggling so much about the impossibility of the thought -up titles that the audio decided we were sounding totally inane and needed to be cut off. We gave up video chat when Mitch’s Wi-Fi connection became too weak that the video froze and the audio became choppy. We resorted to typing and went on to chat about other stuff, then we discussed her internship resume and she let me read what she had done so far. I was impressed. The girl is smart, but I expected no less. I was teaching her to read and write at age 3. Both she and JB already knew how to read and write even before they started school.

I chatted for a while with 5 year old Raphael and Mitch asked me if we could try the video chat again. Raphael was screaming with glee when he saw me on webcam.

“Mommy Darling, I can see you, I can see you.” He said how he misses me and wants to see me soon so can I come visit him? It was gratifying to feel soooo missed when we were together all morning and afternoon just the other day.

Children have been such a big part of my life. There was my niece Angie, Raphael’s mom, who was only 3 months old when she came to us. I was her little surrogate mother. I fuzzed over her after school, I will rush through my homework and take her everywhere with me on my bike. I stopped hanging out with my friends so I can come home early to spend time with her. I thought her to love books, and supported her through college. And look at her now, a highly successful HR Manager of a big company and earning big bucks.

There is Mitch. I taught her to sing when she was only 3. I am torn between jumping with pride and having a heart attack when she is performing. Aside from taking after me in her love for books and writing, she has this special talent for singing and she has the voice of an angel that touches the hearts of those who hear her. She is my goddaughter and I’m mighty proud of her. Just another year and she will graduate from college.

Then there’s my adopted daughter Jaybee, a very special girl. Everyone who knows me knows the story of JB’s life and how I came to raise her up as my daughter. She is also in college and is into cooking. She cooks really well, and I admit she didn’t get that from me. :) Steve and I are seeing both girls through college. It’s our dream to see them starting off their adult lives with all the pluses we can possibly give them.

It’s really a hot afternoon. Thinking about the girls, about Raphael, and thinking about how these kids have brought both joy and pain in my life took my mind off the humidity. The great part of my life spent looking out for them is worth it.

My greatest reward? The chance to spend the rest of my life with Steve. What???? You see no connection????

Neither do I. I just wanted to say it.

Master Chef In The Making

I was a novice when it comes to cooking. I know just the very basic like fried eggs, fried chicken, fried fish and other food that just needs to be fried. However, when I met Steve, I knew it was essential that I should learn to cook. He is a great cook and he can come up with amazing dishes even when it’s almost like time to go grocery shopping again. You know--- when the fridge is almost empty, and the cupboard needs restocking. He would check what’s left and he can whip up something from the “stragglers” that is sure to whet the appetite. I would watch him cook, awed at the ingenuity and expertise. He would talk about the different cuts of meat, how long they need to be cooked, what spices go well with what, how he would mix fruits and veggies in the salads.

It isn’t because I feel less of a woman because I couldn’t cook well and Steve can, or that I think of cooking as a woman’s job. Anyone can cook well whether the person is a man or a woman. It doesn’t matter what the gender as cooking is a skill that anyone can learn and master. I just need to satisfy that hunger in me, no pun intended, J a hunger to learn, a desire to understand the fulfillment and pleasure of turning out great dishes.

I’m telling you, it’s not easy. Many times, I have cooked flops and I had to give the neighbors’ cats and dogs some free meals with the prayer that they won’t suffer from indigestion and ambush me when I dare to step out of my front door.

It’s a lot of fun though. Especially when I learned that it’s not always good to follow a recipe to the letter. Or that you have to know how to shop well for your ingredients. That the best way to cook is by knowing how to use your own taste buds to determine the outcome of your recipes. A pinch more or less a shake… depends on how you want your dishes to turn out. I have been cooking up a storm in my tiny kitchen since then. Seeing people enjoying their meals, rubbing their stomachs and sighing with satisfaction… well it’s absolutely gratifying, like you have done the world some good.

I’m far from being an expert. But I’m still learning. And I can already cook a mean Steak with Darl’s Special Gravy.: D My daughter says that I can beat the famous gravy of an expensive restaurant here hands down. I can also make Beef Caldereta, Pastel, Sinigang, Asado and so many more.

Is the effort of learning to cook worth it? Yes, it is. The fulfillment it gives me is worth every drop of sweat, the cut on my fingers, the burns and the washing up.

One thing more I learned. I cook my best dishes when I’m happy. It’s true what people say about cooking --- it’s affected by the state of your emotions. I never cook when I’m angry or upset.

SLEEPLESS IN CALAMBA!

1:59 AM. I have gone to bed twice, only to get up again after tossing and turning and failing to fall asleep. Darn, I have to get up really early because the movers will be here around 8am and I have some final checking to do. Yep, you got it right. I’m moving house.

Maybe I’m overly tired, and that usually keeps me awake instead of knocking me off to oblivion. Or maybe I have been doing a lot of thinking lately, trying to figure out some questions about life that don’t have any answers at all and I’m just too plain foolish to take those thoughts to bed. Maybe it ‘s JB tickling me and telling funny stories before she finally fell asleep that has left me wide awake. Maybe…….

Too many maybes. I need to sleep so I will be ready for the big move tomorrow. Oooppss. Not so big. I’m just moving a few blocks from here. What’s big is the packing and the unpacking that is the obvious sequel to that.

What am I doing rambling like this at now past 2 in the morning?

Sigh! It wouldn’t have been so bad if I could turn out a piece of exceptionally riveting story to post in my blog. Or if Steve is not at therapy and we can chat for a while.

Maybe I’m really too tired to fall asleep. My body is crying out for a much-needed rest but my brain is clicking away and refusing to shut down. I keep seeing a slide show of the things I have to do tomorrow. And it’s making me more tired than ever. Help!!!!

The one thing that is making me happy about this move is the bigger kitchen and I get a better view of Mt. Makiling when I take walks.

Maybe a glass of warm milk will help. Darn, I have packed everything except a bottle of sparkling water in the fridge. 2:33Am. I should be so lucky to grab a couple of hours sleep. But I’ll try. I will really try. Yeah, who am I kidding? Might as well do some last minute check if the clothes cabinets are really empty.

Another darn! I have been sitting here alternately pounding on the keyboard and staring into space when I have to unhinge the kitchen door from the jamb so the movers can get the fridge out. It will never go through if I don’t remove the door. Hon, help!!!!

CELEBRATION

When I was a kid, I couldn’t wait for Christmas to come around, and of course, the New Year, its twin occasion. We always got new clothes and shoes, one set for each event, toys and lots and lots of special food. I have always looked back on that with fond memories.

Life is so simple when you are a child. A word is taken at face value, no hidden meanings and no complications. It’s so easy to be happy, and so easy to recover from disappointments.

I’m looking at things much differently now. Yes, life has become so much more complicated. Age has something to do with that I suppose. Attitude, maturity , the need for a more meaningful existence and maybe the influence of the past, too, have all helped in shaping up a new way of looking at things It would have been so much easier to have retained the simplicity of a child and the simple way of coping with life.

Even occasions for celebration have become different. Christmas has become less important than the New Year. The new clothes and festive meals have lost their appeal. When before lechon and morcon were the very essence of the Noche Buena, now they have become a means to unwanted pounds, clogged arteries and all sorts of middle age sickness. New clothes? Nah. Maybe for my nieces, Mitch and JB.

My Christmas and the New Year now means celebrating with my loved ones. A time to gather in the family home, to have quiet moments of just catching up with what the others have been up to for the past year. A time to pray for strength and guidance for another year of battling for survival in this crumbling world. A time to reaffirm the love and affection, to show each other that you will always be there when you are needed. Never mind cooking up a storm in the kitchen. Never mind dressing up in spanking attires enough to shame royalties. Love, loyalty, self-sacrifice, faith. That is what Christmas is all about.

It’s too late now to greet all of you a Merry Christmas and too early for next Christmas. But I still wish you all the best for the coming year. Sorry for the cluttered way I wrote this blog. The end of the year has sent me into a binge of introspection and I wrote this entry with no thought for form and style. Don’t go getting a headache trying to figure out where I’m coming from.