It’s 2:30am. I have been trying to sleep, but I find my bed so unfriendly, so unwilling to bring me the peace and quiet that only sleep can possibly give me. I don’t know, I was feeling okay earlier, although I had a headache. I took a couple of Excedrin to kill the pain and expected to sleep to complete the process of getting over it. But I lay awake, and as usual, my brain went into overdrive.
I thought about how awful this world has become, how hard it is to survive on a day to day basis. I thought about how I hate to see my brothers and sisters getting deeply into debt just to give their families what they need to live with a little dignity. I thought about JB and Mitch, too young to experience such hardships in life. I thought about Steve and me, spending over two years apart, barely surviving the loneliness and pain of the separation. I thought about how scary it is to go out, how stressing to always be on the alert in case the person next to you is a mugger.
I am angry about the injustices that I see around me. Angry that so many people have come to disregard the value of human life. I am angry that we have become calloused and no longer horrified about the evil that’s happening around us. It grieves me that the poor are suffering too much that they don’t give a second thought about begging and stealing in order to survive. I break my heart when I hear about the unscrupulous preying on the weaknesses of others to take advantage and to better themselves. I hate hearing the politicians talking about their programs for the poor now that the election is almost here. I hate knowing that after the elections, none of their promises will be kept.
Sometimes, I ask myself if the world is upside down. Like nothing seems to be right or normal, so it couldn’t be right side up. Why are the wicked ones prospering, and the righteous suffering? The world is on a straight path to destruction, and there’s no way of stopping it. Why do we try so hard to do good, seeing that it doesn’t make any difference? I get confused about my purpose in life. I get confused about the commandment of loving your enemy. Who is my enemy, the thief, the murderer, the corrupt politician, the adulterer, the liar? Why should I waste my time on those losers when I can do better doing good to my fellow believers, when we can uplift each other and make our sojourn in this world a bit more bearable until it’s time to leave?
Maybe the quietness or the darkness of the night is making me lose my perspective. Or making things look bigger than they actually are. Maybe the morning light will push away the depressing images passing through my mind. One thing is sure though. Now is not the time to give up on the faith. I know that if I let go of the principles I believe in, the foundation of what I have become since I was born again, then all is lost for me.
Maybe I do not understand at times. Maybe I can’t find a reason for all the things that are happening around us. I have so many questions, but nobody is giving me the right answers, so maybe I am asking the wrong questions. Maybe I am looking at the situation from the wrong angle. Maybe, and then maybe not.
I’m going back to bed in a few minutes, whether to think some more, or to finally sleep, remains to be seen. Hey, maybe the light of a new day will give me a better perspective, a more hopeful attitude, and a renewed perseverance to do what is right and honorable despite the current trend. The trick maybe is not to look down, but to look up. Heaven always offers a better view.
