My doctor got the result of my core biopsy. I called him today and he gave me the news. It confirmed what I feared the most, It's cancer. There's no easy way of saying it. It's on advance stage, so there's no help for it but chemotherapy, then mastectomy.
While the tests were being done, I kept up the hope that it would turn out to be benign, that this is a mistake and the doctor will say what I wanted to hear. But some things just never happen the way you want them to.
So once again I asked God, "Why me?" As usual, I don't hear the replies.I cried some more. I cried for me, I cried for the family, I cried for Steve, I cried for the cost of the treatment. I know I still have the rest of my life after the mastectomy. I have the best doctors in Makati Med, but I also know that it's going to put everyone's life in chaos while I'm having my treatment. I'm not going to be able to shoulder the expense on my own, but knowing my family, each one will pitch in to keep me alive. Will they think it's worth it? Have I done the best by them that they will think no price is too high to keep me alive? How about me? Do I think it's worth it to make my family go through the wringer emotionally and financially in my desire to get better?
For someone trying to escape death like me, there will always be questions that won't get any clear answers. I have to live each day as they come, hoping that I am making the right choices for everyone concerned.
And what about me and God? I want to sit down with him and ask Him to explain why He had let this happen to me. I want to ask him to speak to me in terms I would understand, not in parables, not in poetry or prophecy. Just plain English or Filipino.
My niece,Mitch said that a Christian's life is riddled with problems because they refine our faith. She said further that if you claim to be a christian and your life is smooth sailing through and through, you better sit up and ask if you really are a child of God. So what does that make me, my life has been a long series of trials and tribulations, and now this, does that make me His favorite daughter?
You think I am now rebelling against God? I am not. I still love Him and rest my life in Him. Whatever He is saying to me right now, I can't hear it. But I know He is beside me, giving me comfort, making me strong. After all this is over, I will see His will clearly and I will be thankful that He didn't let go when I was in my weakest moment.
I still have a long way to go - more testing because of my heart condition, chemotherapy, surgery, more testing and then maybe full recovery. Nothing has any guarantee for now. Except God is with me. He is my only guarantee and the only one I need.
