Saturday, March 13, 2010

Breast Cancer Part 6


What does it feel like to stare Death on the face, it's there, not quite crossing the line, but biding its time, ready to sink its fangs in you if you dare to make a
wrong move? Not a pleasant feeling, take it from me. So, while you circle each other, each of you trying to outwit the other, what goes on in your mind?

Me? I think about the what ifs. I think about all the things I should have done and never did. I think about that scholarship at a Berlin University that I let slip off my fingers. I regret not letting Steve take me to Canada 3 years ago. I regret not taking that modeling job in a fashion house in LA when I was 21. I regret not taking that missionary job in Kazakhstan, or the chance to go to school to study Graphics and Website Designing. So many regrets.

But this is not the end. Death can stand or walk around as much as it wants. I'm not giving up. I keep asking God to give me some more years and to make my life different from what it was. I want more adventures, more time to grow up spiritually, and I will badger him until He gets fed up with me and say: "Okay, I'm so tired of your whining, here's another 20 years, put it to good use. Now give me some peace and quiet!" LOL

You think God has no sense of humour? You are mistaken if you think that. God is not some stiff, unsmiling deity who sends lightnings and thunder if you dare to joke around Him. How do I know that? Because I have experienced His humour many times in my life. Like when someone was stealing Macapuno from our backyard. We always pray to God to protect as from thieves, and we tell Him we do not think of Him as our security guard, rather the All-seeing One and our Protector. So one day, someone
climbed up our macapuno tree, and someone gave out a shout to warn us, so we went out fast to catch the thief, and he was still up there. I was able to call the police while he was up there all that time, vigorously denying that he was stealing. We told him to come down and talk like a man, but he just got stuck there unable to come down until the police came and apprehended him. Now, isn't that funny? Everyone was laughing at the thief who had to be rescued by the police like a cat stuck on a
tree. Who was keeping him stuck on top of that tree if it was not God? He is a big man, that thief, and the tree was not that high. If he can climb up there, there's no reason why he can't come down.

Or that time when it was midnight and I was hungry because I missed dinner. When I checked in the kitchen, I found out there was no bread left, and there's only chocolate chip cookies in a jar. I can't touch that, it's loaded with sugar. So I muttered " God, I need some food, I'm so hungry." A few more minutes and there was a knock , I could hear my eldest brother calling out, he lives next door. I opened my door and called out to my brother. "You are late home", I said. He was holding a paper bag. Food, it has the logo of a popular fast food chain. He had a late business meeting, and he was hungry and bought burger and fries on his way home. Hah! Answered prayer. " Can I have some?" He had eaten up the burger, but not the fries and I'm welcome to have that. I thanked my brother and shut the door and brought the fries to the kitchen. I was grumbling, God, I said I was really hungry, my brother could have eaten the fries and left me the burger. And I could almost hear God saying " I thought you said you were on a diet?"

Yes, God is a good God, a sacred God. But Jesus walked the earth. Lived like a man, was a popular guest in both sumptuous and humble gatherings. He understands man's needs for some laughs. But don't think you can try unwholesome jokes with Him. You might just get the lightnings and thunder.

So, as I said, I can feel death stalking me. Am I bothered? Nope. Life is good, I am back to my old footing with Jesus, my Brother, my Friend. He walks with me, I tell Him my fears, talk about my many dreams, and badger Him to heal me. I know he laughs at some of the things I tell him, commiserates with my fears and worries. But I can sense the Godship strongly. That Godship is what keeps me going. I know that because
after I made my peace with Him, I can feel less pain, I can feel hope burning in my heart, and I feel the peace that passes all understanding. That can only come from God.