I was sitting there in the lobby, waiting for the oncologist to arrive. I already filled up a profile form and left it with the secretary. She said she will call me as soon as the doctor arrives. I took stock of the many patients sitting on the long row of chairs against the wall facing the doctor's room. There was a little girl, looking pale and listless. Leukemia. I smiled sadly at the mother and she smiled sadly back. There was a man sitting right beside me. He was fiddling with his cellphone, trying all the ringtones and it grated on my nerves. I looked at his face and saw the empty stare, and I saw his hand holding the cell phone shaking. I turned away quickly, I couldn't bear the look of resignation on the man's face. It was like looking at his naked soul and I thought I was violating his privacy. An old woman wearing a hat and a gauze mask was talking to the man beside her. She obviously has been having chemo treatments and has lost her hair judging from the way she was holding her hat anchored to her head. As if she was afraid it will fall off and reveal the damage that cancer has wreaked on her appearance. I heard her saying how damnable it is that she has to depend upon the goodwill of her family to do things for her. I sympathized with her. I hate having my sister or my daughter washing my clothes for me, or preparing my meals or carrying heavy things for me. Too many people afflicted with cancer judging by the number of them waiting for the oncologist. I looked down at my clasped hands, not wanting to see anymore. Kids, old people, men or women. Cancer does not discriminate. It takes who and all it wants and play with their lives with impunity.
"Ms. Darl", I heard the secretary calling me."The doctor is here and he will see you now." I came slowly to my feet and walked like the damned entering the execution chamber.
The chair was a bright tangerine. I was wearing a summer dress of the exact same color. I will get lost in that chair, I thought inanely. The doctor was talking to someone on the phone and motioned me to sit down without looking up. I sat gingerly on the edge of the chair. I thought to myself that maybe when the doctor finally looks up, he won't find me because I have merged with his tangerine chair.
"Your doctor has called me and has already explained your condition to me." The doctor's deep voice broke into my crazy thoughts.
"Yes," I replied. "He said he would." The oncologist is my doctor's personal friend.
Without preamble, I added. "Did he tell you I can't afford the treatment?"
"We will discuss that after I have checked you up."
The doctor led me to the examination room. I was embarrassed that I bled when he was examining the lump. The doctor left me in private to clean up and get back into my clothes. He stared at me somberly when I walked back into his office.
"Darl, I have been a doctor for a long time, and judging by the feel and look of that lump, it's already 8cm.
It was 3.8 by 4 by 1.5cm in my last sonogram. So it has grown to twice it's size in one month. I was almost choking with the horror of it. I had to clear my throat before I could voice out the thoughts running through my mind.
"You mean it has grown so fast in the last month, is that possible?" That was a stupid question . Of course it was possible. It already did, the doctor just told me. And of course when I look in the mirror, I can see that it's bigger than it was. But I was not thinking in terms of centimeters, more like in terms of life and death. I look at myself and I ask how much time I have to find the money for the treatment before the cancer gets worse and unmanageable.
"You need to start your chemotherapy as soon as possible. You are in stage 3, and you need that lump to get smaller through chemotherapy before your surgeon can perform a mastectomy. He can't do that now because the lump will leave a large hole in your chest, and he can't close you up properly."
"So what am I facing financially, Doctor?"
"You want to make the cost as manageable as possible. Your doctor told me you don't have medical insurance. Cancer treatment is very costly. But there are ways to reduce the cost of some of the treatments. Like your chemotherapy. You need 6 sessions at the very least, 3 before the surgery, and another 3 after the surgery. I recommend radiotherapy for 30 days after the chemo sessions. Now here's the plan. I listened to the doctor attentively.
He laid out a treatment plan for me and by the time we were through, we have decided that I am going to be treated as an outpatient and not as an inpatient. It will cut down the hospital cost by a very big percentage and he is giving me a big discount from his professional fee. He was able to bring the price down to PhP 20,000.00 per session. He warned me that the mastectomy will be expensive at a conservative estimate of PhP250,000.00. That is not inclusive of my doctor's professional fee, But my doctor, who will also be my surgeon has promised me that he will be charging me a very minimal fee. Then I need to have 30 sessions of radiation therapy estimated at PhP 75,000.00 for 30 days session. He said cobalt is cheaper at half that price, but he wouldn't recommend it because it has more side effects. He always recommends linear radiation because it has less side effects.
"So, shall I make an appointment for you on Wednesday?" the doctor asked.
"No, doctor, not yet. That's a lot of money we are talking about and I don't have it ready. I still have to find some ways to come up with almost half a million pesos to make my treatment possible.
I left the hospital with a heavy heart. When I got home, I cried and cried, and after I recovered from a bout of self-pity, I prayed and meditated on the love of God and His Word. I calmed down and told the family I am not going to have them get buried in debt so that I can have my treatment. I told them I will try to get assistance from local agencies and I searched the internet for them. But the requirements disqualify me outright. I am an Australian government's pensioner which means I have an income. so I am not a class D citizen. Of course I think that's unfair because my pension is just enough for my house rental, basic necessities and some minor medical expenses. Cancer treatment is very expensive and my pension won't stretch that far. I wrote to the Australian Government to inquire if I can get some medical assistance from them. They wrote back that as I am residing in the Philippines, they cannot give me any assistance. Unless I am in Australia which will make me a gold card holder and my cancer treatment will be covered by that. I keep getting blank walls and have resigned myself to not getting my treatments.
But after my quiet time with God,and much prayer, I finally got back on track. I remembered what a counselor said to me in church the previous Sunday. She said I have to live my life one day at a time. and God will bring forth His blessings to me as I need them.
The chemo treatment cost is lower than the price I was quoted with initially, and somehow, I know that we can swing the cost of that.I trust that God will do His best for me.
Despite my trust in God, I still have some depressing moments, and the doctor said it's normal for cancer patients. I know God does not hold that against me. But right now, everything is looking up. I worried about not getting the chemotherapy, and now I know it might just be possible. Actually, I started worrying about the surgery already, but the family told me that is not right because I worried about the chemo,too. God will solve the surgery when it's time.
I am more hopeful now. Many people in the Philippines die of cancer because treatment is unaffordable. But I am a child of God, and I know that my help comes from Him. I need to remember that and not give in to fear and depression. To pray without ceasing. And to put my unequivocal trust in Him, the Lord of lords, the King of kings.
