The last few nights, when everyone was asleep. I would lay on my bed wide awake trying to listen to what God is saying. The previous nights, I have been doing the talking, telling Him about my heartaches, asking Him a lot of questions, and asking Him to see me through this situation and show me His will that I may carry them out.
It isn't always easy to have a conversation with God. Sometimes you have so many things to say that you forget to listen to His answers. Other times, the enemy is whispering utter nonsense into your ears and distracts you from what God is trying to say to you. So it's really important to keep your focus so that you won't miss the other half of the conversation, the important part, God's part.
God is a wise God, He sees everything that is going on. So in my case, He sometimes comes and visit me in my dreams. Maybe He thinks that it's better to talk to me when I'm unconscious. You may laugh, but for someone like me, who tries to dissect every piece of conversation and find loopholes in every statement, you may want to talk to me, too, when I'm unconscious.:).
So last night, I dreamed that I was walking with Jesus on a grassy area, I was like a child, skipping, and running and then turning back to say something to my companion. I was telling Jesus that I have been away for a long time and if He still likes me now that I'm back. He smiled kindly at me, didn't say anything at all, but the warmth in His eyes told me what I wanted to hear.
Like any other dream, I was thrown into another scene. I was in bed, wide awake. The dream was a bit hazy, like an old sepia film. I saw myself checking the lump on my breast, and how surprise I was to see the lump like an empty, clear plastic bag, nothing inside, just air. I touched it, felt it, and there really was nothing there, And then I woke up.
I know there is a message of hope in those two dreams. God doesn't want to kill me, He wants me to live and enjoy the life of a woman who is totally dependent on Him, a life free of fears and worries, a life that is confident of His everlasting love.
I admit I have been distracted with trying to survive the day to day struggle in this fallen world of ours. I get tension headaches just trying to stretch my budget to the limit. I just hate going to the supermarket and watching my wallet emptying fast when I can't even see my shopping bag filling up. I panic when my granddaughter's milk formula runs out after 4 days and my pension isn't in my bank account yet. I get desperate when I don't have enough to buy my mom's medicines because it's imperative that she doesn't miss a single dosage. She is a cancer survivor herself, has a heart condition, her left eye had a lens implant but the other one is almost totally blind. Her other ear is totally deaf. But that's to be expected. After what she went through from colon cancer, and at age 82 now, it's amazing that she is still alive. Another one of God's miracles.
So the way I see it, God is trying to tell me something today. In fact, he is telling me so many things. The clearest one is I need to slow down and take things easy. Of course with breast cancer at stage 3, I definitely have to slow down because cancer tires you out a lot. Second, He is telling me that I can get better and live better after recovering from this.Third, He is telling me that there are people who care about me and want to see me live longer. Friends I have known for almost a lifetime, friends I have known as an adult, friends I have met online and haven't seen face to face, but most of all, I have a friend in Jesus. Fourth, God has given me the chance to value my relationships more. Instead of missing conversation pieces because I go into a brown study trying to figure out where to get money for all our needs, I try to listen more attentively, realize that I'm not the only one with problems here, or that I can have a few laughs to lighten my load when I listen to my quick-witted daughter, or my granddaughter trying to learn new words.
God wants me to take time to smell the roses. He wants me to enjoy life and not waste it trying to solve world problems. He would be happy to see me trying to work out the problems in just my small community so I can have free time to take walks with Him and have some heart to heart conversations. He had a strange way of making me stop, cancer. But I'm stubborn woman, so He is justified in knocking me down so I will stop and listen. But the funny thing is I'm not offended. God will see me through this and I will emerge from this situation a better woman. And with lessons learned.
Good Morning, World! Life is good, live it. God is good, live in Him.
