I was at the hospital yesterday, it was so tiring getting poked with cold metal and getting your breast sandwiched between 2 hard objects so they can take x-rays of the lump. My breast was bleeding by the time the mammogram/sonogram was over. The lump is getting bigger, it's now 3.8 X 4 X 1.2 cm from 3.6 cm. The sonogram test detected suspicious lumps in the right breast although they are not apparent from just touching and checking. The sonogram showed them though.
I still have to pass my cardio test before the doctor will start the chemo therapy. The earliest slot available for my 2D Echo test is on March 18. The Heart Station has a full schedule and can't accommodate me earlier than that. I couldn't insist that I should be moved to an earlier date because of my condition. Who knows, those in the earlier slots could be more seriously sicker than me. Meanwhile, I get well meaning emails from friends suggesting this and that natural treatment with the intention of sparing me the horrors of chemotherapy. I can understand their concern, I am very concerned, too. So while awaiting the final test before the chemo, I am trying some of them.
By reaching stage 3, I was told that my survival rate of 5 years has lowered down to less than that. But God gives, and He takes away, so I don't pay attention to all that predictions. God can raise the dead, heal the sick, nothing is impossible with Him. I am keeping my hopes up, but I am also making use of the time in "the wilderness". Right now, I am spiritually alone with God, deprived of my "worldly crutches", totally dependent on Him for survival. At first I was rebellious, I
questioned God why He had to let this happen to me when I have tried to live a good life- I was always ready to help those in need, always striving to be morally upright, has served in His church since I was student, was careful not to step on other people's toes, was kind to animals. But God keeps silent.
It is in the silence that I have come to look back and hear what my own heart was saying. I have drifted apart from Him. My disillusionment, my frustrations, they have slowly driven me away. But I have justified that in my mind. I have every reason to keep away because people were using the name of God for their own nefarious purposes. My long time friends and church mates have shunned me because I dared to speak up and tell the truth. Then I started to be busy with my own personal life. And I told myself who cares, I still have God in my life even though I'm not
in His church anymore.
But that is not what He wants. He wants me back in church, where I can grow spiritually, learn patience, learn to forgive. He wants me to retain my individuality, rejoice in it, and make use of it in serving Him. He wants me to experience again the joy of being with His people as they gather together to worship Him.
The second week after I have learned I have cancer, my eldest sister dragged me to church. The series they were studying was about the end times. Very fitting, I told myself. The end is near for me. But when the worship team started singing praises, I stood there, remembering the times I was part of the team, remembering how good it is to worship God, the joy of being a part of one great body of believers. And I started crying, cleansing tears, and then I felt that I have come home.
Does that solve my problems? Am I healed? Do I have money for my treatment and surgery? No, but it's all in God's hands now. For sure, I am more at peace with myself and my God. When I meditate during my quiet times, I can hear God saying "don't fret my child, I am with you". That reassures me. He will never forsake me. I don't know if He is walking with me towards my recovery, I don't know if He has come to fetch me home and making me ready. All I know is that He is with me and that is
enough to make me trust Him to do his best for me.
