Why am I writing something as morbid as my illness? Some people ask me this, some people have encouraged me to do so. But personally, I am writing my battle with breast cancer because it is not just fight for survival but also a spiritual journey for me.
Life is so busy that there are times when you lose track of what's really important in life. We make choices that aren't always right, we try to shuffle our priorities and make mistakes, and we neglect what we shouldn't.Our attention gets caught up in a myriad of non-essentials and we get so bogged down with them we don't notice that other more important things we should be doing are left on the wayside, neglected,
forgotten.
When I am on my own, I reflect upon all the things I should have done before I got sick. I realized too late I shouldn't have retired from teaching Sunday School, or ministering to the youth. I know I am greatly gifted in that ministry, I should know after doing it since I was 19 and way into the 1990's.But I somehow got tired and withdrawn from it all, burned out and disillusioned with some so-called church leaders.
I think about the many times I have been so busy preparing my family's future I have forgotten to sit down with God and talk to Him about how I am doing, or ask for His counsel. I merrily went on my own thinking that I am so good I can handle everything on my own. Steve has to remind me to go to church because I'm so caught up with other things. If I'm not on fast forward running family matters, I'm on full stop pining for Steve or just too dissatisfied about how things are progressing and just wanting to get off from this world.
So, cancer has made me slow down,gave me the chance to look around and check what else is going on aside from what I consider my concerns.It has driven me down on my knees before God, gave us the chance to be together and talking again about the most important things in my life. My faith, first and foremost. I have forgotten how peaceful it is to sit and meditate about how good God has been to me over the past years. I remembered the time I was born again when I was still a student. How zealous I was to share the news of salvation. How I was serving Him so diligently. And it was with sorrow that I looked back and realized how I had let some rotten eggs in church who professed to be Christians and behaved like they are not, to cloud my sense of reason. Of course, the enemy will do anything to undermine a Christian's faith even if it means planting his henchmen inside God's very own church. I have let my disillusionment to drive me away from my ministry.
I know that God will heal me. I don't feel like I'm dying. What I feel is a process of restoration. I feel like someone who has been sleeping for so long, and now it's time to wake up and pick up where I left off, the right spot, the one assigned
by God.
I have humbled myself before Him. Thinking that I can accomplish great things on my own is self-pride. Being sick has made me face up the truth, that I am Nothing
without God.
